(no subject)

[labellementeuse]

for posterity, comments, crit etc:

[some placeholder title]

I saw a tree with five birdsnests.
from the bus I reached out my giant hand
and inspected their insides for you.

dolly parton was good music for our weather,
so I sang along to two doors down while
burning the midnight oil. you were jolene,
my happiness depended on you. so what did you
decide to do?

while I walked home one evening the frost arrived.
it slicked wetly down the bricks as I opened your door,
pretending it had just rained. then
glitter spread across each street and brick.
when I saw the light at my windows the tips of the grass
had aged and grown beards.

(I don't really know what to do with this one. I like each bit of it but I don't know if they're the same poem, or different poems, or what.)

love poem

I am enamoured of your geometry. each
plane and polyhedron has meaning to me.
in my more frivolous moments, I plot
the curves along your breasts, your hips.
you add up for me.
I have read and calculated every line
in your skin, every fold and dip and angle, where
your bones are visible through the skin
and where I feel your blood with the
tip of my tongue. I join the dots of your freckles
and blemishes and each scar, find familiar
constellations and name them. the palm
of your right hand, which you use to open doors
and windows, cook and write, tells me
your past. your left hand is your soon-to-be.
and here you are, my now.

(this one's a complete first draft and I quite like a lot of it. what say you all? radical comments accepted happily enough.)



variation on a theme by lucid 3 [rock 'n' roll thieves remix]

the queen of the green screen scene
slinks down the beat

hot and cold running denim jeans
lips dip in ship-kisses, the girl

the ivory girl
the girl and the morning

hips and hibiscus, she
steps out in shit-kickers, prowls
through the city, opening doors
with piano keys.

Comments

[bad-mushroom.livejournal.com]

Mm, I really love the first one. Until you mentioned that you thought it felt like more than one poem I was thinking that it fit together perfectly, even though it didn't have so much of a common "plot". The imagery is so strong in every stanza that it just catches you up and doesn't let go until well after the end. The one thing that got me a little was the italics. Maybe try them in quotes? But that isn't quite right either. Hm.

[disturbed-kiwi.livejournal.com]

The first one does feel like three seperate poems to me, but I can see them fitting together. They have a feel for each other but I'd lke just some subtle image that linked them a little more, personally.

The second, I like the playing with geometry but it really comes alive to me when we get to the constellations and what the hands do. There's something more intimate about knowing the body in such ways, whereas the geometry seemed like clever words but held aloof in comparison.

The third one rocks my socks right now, especially lines 4 -7. Just what I like.