Poetry.

[labellementeuse]

Um, I was tidying slightly and I found these in different places. Didn't want to lose them so i edited them and here they are. Criticism would be gratefully received.


okay

okay,
so i knew i could fall in love with you.

I was watching you
earlier this year
just looking at you
in this class and that class
wondering who couldn't fall
in love with you
(straight girls and gay boys, said my subconscious,
people with self-confidence
people who don't have my red-head problem-

-okay)

but the thing is
you have to know i didn't fall
in love with you then, see?
i didn't fall in love with you
till just now
when you smiled

okay.



no

no you don't know me
I don't care if you gave birth to me
and no I don't care what you think
I gave that up already.

yes it did hurt when you said that
and yes I want to run away
yes I don't want to listen to you.

no I am not going to listen to you
it hurts me too much
I don't want to
please don't make me
cry.





you shouldn't have to
write down your feelings
hunched over a notebook falling to pieces
on the late bus home

(so why does my heart feel like it's losing all its pages
like they're flying away down the street
and I can't get them back.)

Comments

[mandor700.livejournal.com]

Wow, those are really really cool.

[labellementeuse.livejournal.com]

*blush* thanks! :)

[nzlemming.livejournal.com]

Is your hotmail account working now?

[labellementeuse.livejournal.com]

Umm, yeah? I think so.

Dude. Icon.

[nzlemming.livejournal.com]

Aha! customisation discovered ;-)

[labellementeuse.livejournal.com]

*giggles*

[nzlemming.livejournal.com]

Email sent with critique. Received?

[labellementeuse.livejournal.com]

Um, I don't know. let me check my other account. ;)

Okay, yeah, I got it. :D Thank you! You rock. *goes to e-mail back* I really appreciate that, by the way; criticism, your own or someone elses, must be the only way to grow as a writer and I really want to keep doing that, so I am so grateful that you took time to make some comments. <3

[blademistress.livejournal.com]

I liked the first one, quite sweet. The second one was a lot like the things that run through my head, so I liked it, though I think (and no offense I do like it) that it's a little bit teen angsty. Unless that's the idea, in which case you win. I love the third one 'like they're flying away down the street' :)

[labellementeuse.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :D I think you're totally right about the second one. In fact I wouldn't say a "little." I don't think that one is going to go anywhere.

I would NEVER kill anyone for thinking a poem was teen angsty. I NEED people to tel me when it's Angst. I hate Angst, I refuse to write it and not know. I need criticism full stop. :p I want to Grow as a Writer wahey.